I've been trying to figure out how to write this blog post, I must have around 5 different drafts all of which have been rejected by my worry of how it will come across. I'm not going to take you down a negative rabbit hole, I read an article a few weeks ago about How To Seem Like You Always Have Your Sh*t Together and as I approach my 30s, I'm trying to do just that.
One of the bullet points mentioned that you shouldn't appear too negative online and for the record, I don't think I'm that negative. Social media has become this pressure cooker of who has it better, people seem to think it's ok to bully others, or there are the continuous posts around how everything is "hunky dory". Of course, you're going to post the best version of yourself on such a public platform, but the truth is it's not really that realistic. My point is if I can show others that my journey wasn't always how I expected it would be, that I wasn't struggling with learning a new language, and it helps them to continue on their own path to becoming the programmer they want to be, then I'm ok with a little negativity. Just to be 100% transparent, this does not include the bullying, or "trolling" that seems to go on a lot on social media.
The Funk.
So where to begin? What is the "funk"? It's not what Urban Dictionary's definition tells us, that's for sure! It's a feeling, the correct definition would be the state of being unhappy and without hope. It's a real thing and can affect you both mentally and physically.
When did the funk start to wrap me into its dark hold and consume me and allow imposter syndrome to constantly remind me that I am "faking" it?. I'd say it was right around the time that everything started to click together, like one of those calm Sunday afternoon jigsaw puzzles. Last November everything was going so well, I'd been asked to speak at an Umbraco event, which is probably the highlight of 2018. I was on cloud nine, the following week I was asked to speak at an all-girls STEM event. I was mentoring someone after they'd reached out over Twitter, and I was felt like I was the real deal, and cherished the fact I was helping out, in a small way.
I can't tell you the exact time and day I felt the darkness creep in, but it was coming. My motivation had disappeared, I was coming home every evening and hiding away under a blanket from the thought of burying my head into a book, or a tutorial that I had preplanned. My poor boyfriend didn't know what to do, and if I’m honest, neither did I! Fast forward a few months to January and I came across a brilliant blog by Emma McKellar on her being stuck in the funk that made me realise that I was too. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough for the industry or the fact that my self-esteem was at 0%, it all had to do with the fact I'd overdone it. For 14 months I'd spent most of my evenings cramming in as much learning as possible to try and become this Full Stack Developer when really I should've been enjoying the learning experience with a full stack of pancakes. (The more you get to know me, the more you'll get to know my terrible jokes) So there it was, a lightbulb moment, it hit me, the realisation not the lightbulb... I'm not a fraud, I'm not not good enough for the industry I just needed to slow down and go back to slowing it down and learning in smaller, more manageable chunks... and to just enjoy learning again. Leonardo Da Vinci once said learning never exhausts the mind, well I disagree with you on that one Leo mate... Because I was feeling pretty knackered! I'd been trying to cram in so much information that my brain was fried!
Getting out.
Finding out I had been stuck in this funk has been a huge learning experience for me, and I’m not saying I won’t hit it again as I know I probably will. I have found some coping mechanisms and below are some of the ones which have helped me to get out of my funk. Here is what I have learned during this time of self-discovery.
Self-care is important - I had so many baths, I beg to differ what our energy bill is going to look like this quarter... a bath with some candles and your favourite book/film/album - ultimate chill.
Put the textbooks away - they aren't going to help you (right now) put them away, start a new TV series/read a new book/learn a new hobby (mine was crocheting, I’m still terrible) and just enjoy the freedom, as you'll get your mojo back.
Don't beat yourself up - it really isn't the end of the world if you don't know what instantiation is (one of my struggles), or what encapsulation is. Rome wasn't built in a day and I'm pretty sure those words are made up anyway (just kidding, they're pretty important)!
Reach out to your coding family - whether that's on your preferred social media platform, a meetup, in person or on a slack channel. Someone will listen, 9 times out of 10 they've been there, and they most likely have sound advice.
Breathe, no really! - yeah ok, breathing is an important part of living. BUT that's what I mean... Live, enjoy life, I've become more mindful of my surroundings (and that's probably because I've Marie Kondo'd my apartment), it works!
Get some rest - if you're like me and your brain has been in overdrive for a while, get some rest. Sleep repairs a lot of damage, physically and mentally, it also helps you store your short term memory (again, thank you, Emma, for that educational nugget).
Try to stop worrying - easier said than done, but worrying will stress you out and stress will cause all sorts of mental and physical health discomfort. I recommend reading The Worry Trick, I found it useful and effective in trying to manage my inner worrier to a warrior.
So as my mojo returns... Yeah, baby! (I'll stop now, I promise) I'm going to use some tried and tested methods to prevent the mess, I got myself into before Christmas happening again. If you feel like you’ve hit a brick wall, or you’re in a bit of a funk, yourself, please reach out and I’d be happy to try and help you out.
